crutches.

the blinking cursor is bringer of doom.

i know i didn’t keep up my end of the bargain. 30 days, 30 posts. but, i suppose there was no one on the the other end to keep me accountable; because i didn’t have the energy to keep getting there. it’s a lame excuse, and it’s the one that is most typical. but, i’m not without remorse, and a low-grade feeling of humiliation. it’s so me to not have kept it up, that it’s almost, (i said, almost) laughable.

but, i’m here and i feel badly about it, and i’m embarrassed, again, but there it is. i suppose there is some value in being honest. the value being that i’m finding it difficult to find the value in doing something for the sake of doing something for myself. and trust, i know how that sounds – and it’s so very adolescent, but there are chips on shoulders and there are crutches to lean on, and i’m choosing the crutch because i need the balance, and i need something to lean on, because i’m just so damned tired. i don’t know when i’ll feel less tired, i don’t know when i’ll feel like some portion of my life will be mine again, and i don’t say that with a sense of resentment, i’m just immersed with taking care of someone else, and i’m not very good at taking care of myself on the best of occasions, so this is just… simpler.

not great, no, i didn’t say that. just simpler.

but, i’m here, and i’ll come back again soon – i promise.

2010
10/09
CATEGORY
birdwatching.
familiarity.
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endagain.

i can feel the change coming.

the days are still too warm, but the nights are bringing out sweaters and light scarves. and i’m ready, so ready to end this summer of sweltering heat, and this all-consuming let down of a season. i’m not wishing these days away, because sandwiched between the not-so niceties are amazing sparks of wonder and joy – but, i’ve felt weighed down by this heat, by foot-tapping anxiousness, by this slight sadness for far too long. and i’m ready to begin again, to molt this heaviness, and feel comfort in my skin again. i’m just waiting for the start of it.

2010
08/20
CATEGORY
birdwatching.
familiarity.
thoroughlymodernmillie.
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synapse.

she’s been hanging onto walls.

with palms out, she’s been treading tables, chairs, and anything else she could grab onto for months now. she gingerly moves her feet to the side and brings the other one back to where it belongs, and she goes on and on and on, until – NO! no more, and she decides that crawling is the more direct method to get from point a, to point b, to point mummy.

but, lo!, perhaps she didn’t notice, perhaps she was too enticed by plastic lids and bottles of golden oil to notice, perhaps her little brain fired the synapse that yelled GO! and so, without her palms out, without feeling for walls to guide her way – today, something happened, and she went. she walked. unassisted. on her own. away she went… away she goes.

and i, immediately burst into tears, because although she walked those eight steps right into my arms – i could almost see her walk right past me as well… but, it wasn’t a sadness, it was a swift moving hope. a synapse that fired, JOY! and she’s walking herself right into it.

2010
08/18
CATEGORY
affection&amity.
littlegirl.
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over.

we are so over.

i’m so over the uncomfortable temperatures, even early in the morning. i’m so over the humidity wreaking havoc on my hair, my skin, my general sense of comfort. i’m so done with leaving the house looking one way, and returning not too much later looking as if i were dunked in the local diner’s deep fryer. i’m so done walking through what seems to be something akin to pea soup. i’m so done with worrying about my sweatstache, my frizzy hair and melting makeup.

summer, i’m breaking up with you. and if you must know, it is you and not me. you can throw out anything i ever gave you, i won’t need any of it. don’t call, don’t visit, don’t even whisper my name. i never want to see you again. we’re through.

sweaters and scarves, i’m calling you soon, i’ve missed you. want to get a drink sometime?

2010
08/12
CATEGORY
birdwatching.
thoroughlymodernmillie.
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asleep.

i sat down to write something, then closed my eyes for a moment.

and then i was asleep.

funny, that.

when i was younger i suffered, (and i well and truly mean that i suffered) a mean case of insomnia. it was somewhere between my second and third year at university. somewhere in-between where things started to go all pear-shaped and i just stopped going to class one day. for about six months. or was it a year? i don’t remember anymore. no one asked, so i didn’t have to make any excuses.

all i know is that one day, i couldn’t sleep. i just couldn’t fall asleep. it was as if when the day turned to night and it was time to shut my eyes, that was when my mind would wake from some sort of muddy catatonic state and go manic. so set on edge, when all the cogs would get to work, that it would make me physically ill and i just couldn’t stay in bed. there were countless hours of television, watching nothing in particular. cellophane wrappers from all the cigarette packs smoked strewn across tables, crinkling in my hand, a nervous habit. so many nervous habits.

and when, hours and hours later, a crack in the sky would let a sharp line of light in, i’d know that i’d almost made it. i’d just need to make it another hour or two and i could finally have some rest. i’d go outside, when absolutely no one needs to be out, and i would walk, walk around the block, walk anywhere, just to be able to get back. because when it was finally light out, and i had nothing left to do, and no energy to think – i’d finally be able to sleep.

i’m just as tired now as i was then, but i rarely have any trouble falling asleep now…

2010
08/10
CATEGORY
birdwatching.
familiarity.
thoroughlymodernmillie.
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musicmonday.

c’est un peu fromage, but oh – i love it.

2010
08/09
CATEGORY
musicality.
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twodays.

so. there was that and i missed two days in a row.

and for those two days in a row, every night before i lay my head down to sleep, i didn’t pray my soul to keep, but i did lament the fact that i had not, did not write anything for the day. the thought to write was present, but the what to write was not. and i could say that i’ll just tack on two days to the tail of the 28, but that’s just somewhat stupid, because either i’m going to write or i’m not, and 28 days isn’t really going to make a difference to that becoming true, or not becoming true. so. there was that.

and now, as per usual, it’s somewhere near quarter past 2200 and the time creeps closer to when i begrudgingly, yet necessarily (and slowly) drag my sorry self up the stairs to climb into bed, but this weekend seems, in so many ways, completely misapplied. time was spent with those near and dear, but the larger quantity of it was spent stuck, aggravatingly like wet cement, in a cramped car in useless traffic. and so, the quality of it was less than stellar. and this annoys me to no end. i don’t ask for much, but weekends have steeped in them something more far-reaching than just having two days off. i need them more now than i ever did when i woke up bleary-eyed and confused from the events of the night before. now, i need them because i wake-up bleary-eyed and confused from the weeks prior that i’m trying to catch up with, even though i know that train is moving at a far quicker clip than i’ll ever be able to keep pace with… and i watch it go, and oh – shit – it’s 2230 and… sigh. goodnight.

2010
08/08
CATEGORY
birdwatching.
thoroughlymodernmillie.
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out.

tonight it’s a cop out.

it’s too hot, i’m out of sorts and not in the mood to explain why.

so, i’ll try to think of something clever for tomorrow. goodnight, goodnight.

2010
08/05
CATEGORY
birdwatching.
familiarity.
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unkind.

i’m unkind.

not generally speaking, i’m actually rather accommodating, i can, at times, also be something damn near ebullient. i’m-happy-to-help-here-to-please-and-anything-you-might-need-just-let-me-know-because-i’m-here-for-you! i’m pretty much willing to help anyone, anyone but myself.

after 34 years, i’m still last on the list, and still after 34 years, i’m not sure why. and it’s hard to keep reminding myself that i deserve a chance too. i don’t want to be last on the list, but i feel like things are fast becoming too far out of reach, and that being unkind is so much simpler than taking the time to be nice. to myself.

yeah, i just read that over. where’s the tiniest violin when you need it?

2010
08/04
CATEGORY
embonpoint.
familiarity.
thoroughlymodernmillie.
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watch.

i really have to stop posting before i go to bed. when it gets this late in the day i come off all brooding, dark and just plain sad, (read: pathetic).

and really, i’m not so much that. well, sometimes, sure, sure i am – but, most of the time i’m pretty okay. and although, here i am, posting before, (shocker!) going to bed, i’m just letting you, yes – you – you to the right of me, that right now, i’m okay. who knows about tomorrow, though. so watch yo’self.

so, until then – a little something to watch, for yourself:

2010
08/03
CATEGORY
birdwatching.
musicality.
pot&pan.
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star.

even though my sunday is a monday – it still feels just like any other end to the weekend.

i’m south of sleepy, and i’m going to have to make a u-turn back upstairs sometime soon, but the end to weekend, whether it be a two-day or a three-day, these evenings before the start of the work-week will forever put me on a bit of an edge.

since i was small, these evenings, as these little bits of freedom, these last hours of sighs start to narrow and our focus shifts to the week at hand, tend to leave a slight taste of melancholy on the tongue. there are things to get done, lists to get checked off, gold stars to hand out to prized pupils. and once, i was the one who always got the star – it used to be old-hat. but now? now it’s almost as if i’ve stood up before i’ve even had a chance to sit down. that the things i got accomplished pales in comparison to everything that still needs to get done. that this life has suddenly become a bit like a waterfall and i’m just stuck on the barrel going over the cliff. and i don’t really want the gag photo of that. what i want is a moment for it to just… pause. not stop, i don’t want to get off this ride, but i do want a chance to catch a breath because it feels as if the moment i feel done, is the moment the whole machine starts all over again.

and with that, i sense i’m rambling. so we’re turning this show off for now, then.

2010
08/02
CATEGORY
birdwatching.
familiarity.
thoroughlymodernmillie.
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tooth.

there are teeth, and then there is one tooth.

there is being able to see through clear eyes, and know that a bias remains as well.

there is a face of a child, and then there is the face of yours.

and that’s when you realize that sometimes, very rarely, but sometimes, when you’ve been really well-behaved and you’ve flossed between meals and cleaned behind your ears, that something absolutely breath-taking happens. when what you see and what others see is actually one and the same. when the smallest, little thing – sits perched upon her trolley with cellophaned-wedge-of-cheese in hand, and with that one little tooth gnaws at the prize and comes out a winner. when the joy she feels is contagious and strangers, coming from the baked-goods aisle, avec baguette, beam and laugh and say, “she’s so beautiful”, and “funny, too!”, that i finally know – that i finally understand, what it is to do something truly good…

2010
08/01
CATEGORY
affection&amity.
birdwatching.
littlegirl.
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badway.

to sum up, by way of song rather than rephrasing the same-old-same-old, have a quick listen… it’s a cheery, down-on-your-luck sort of tune.

enjoy! or not!

2010
07/31
CATEGORY
birdwatching.
musicality.
thoroughlymodernmillie.
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boss.

going to make this snappy, because i’m feeling anything but.

there is nothing more exciting to me right now than the fact that it is late, (too late, much too late, it’s only 23.21, but it’s too late, but laundry folding awaits!) friday, i’m about to pack it in for the night, and what lays before me is a long-weekend. three days. three days of when it’ll be two against one, because we’ve got one tough broad on our hands and she is taking the lead in this power play. perhaps it’s her spritely form, her 21-lb-featherweight frame that makes it so simple for her to overtake and overpower.

perhaps it’s because she’s the littlest boss in the land, and she’s the ultimate bad-ass.

2010
07/30
CATEGORY
littlegirl.
pot&pan.
thoroughlymodernmillie.
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ain’t.

it’s been a hard couple of weeks and the cracks in my already covered-with-spackle veneer are starting to show. i’m soso tired, so very depleted of any energy that it’s not just inwardly physical, oh no, the signs have begun to show on the outside too. i’m not fit for public consumption, i’m positively hideous. in fact, i had to send my brother out to buy a bag of rice because i wouldn’t dare have anyone see me… my skin is horrible, the dark circles under my eyes can be used as wading pools they’re so deep, and my joints ache and crack. i know i’m ageing, but this is just… much. i feel 34 going on 104 and it ain’t cute.

i know i started to write again, so that i could have something that i could call my own, but i wish i could’ve started with a song instead of a moan, but it’s just the place i’m in right now and it’s bumming me out, way out.

oh, and i’ve really got to wash my hair.

2010
07/29
CATEGORY
birdwatching.
thoroughlymodernmillie.
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